Today we spent several hours with a child psychologist & child development expert while they evaluated our sweet Carson. I sat and listened quietly as she told us that our son is Autistic.
I heard every word she said and made mental notes of all the advice & resources she offered us. I wrote down websites, books, and organizations to contact. I listened as she told us we would need extra speech & behavioral therapy in addition to the special education preschool services Carson was getting though our school district. I added up the costs for each of these treatments and listened as she told us we would need to FIGHT for insurance coverage.
My husband asked me how I felt about all of it after our meetings & evaluations were over and I just shrugged... which was honestly a perfect description of how I felt. Indifferent, numb...
We've been through things like this before. He was evaluated at 18 months old and again at 2 1/2 by early intervention programs because of his delayed speech. I fought hard to get him a meeting and IEP with our school district when he turned 3 so he wouldn't fall through the cracks during our move. And of course we've dealt with the day to day of an undiagnosed autistic child.
This is different though in a good way and a bad. A diagnosis will be so helpful in getting him the resources he needs. And it helps me feel like I'm not such a miserable parent. There are reasons that our communication sucks and reasons for why he loses his marbles in public every.single.time and it's not that I'm a horrible mom. But a diagnosis is also admitting that things will be different for him (and me) as he grows up. And I hate that.
I love my son and nothing will change that, but now I have to mourn the loss of what I thought my parenting experience would be like. Carson and I (and my husband of course) work SO HARD to help him learn things that come completely naturally to others kids. And this is my life now. Advocating, fighting for him to have all the opportunity he needs to succeed. And learning everything I can do to help. The psychologist told us that we would become experts and our knowledge would eventually surpass the actual experts that would be helping him.
Today I came home and I lost it. I cried and cried and threw a tantrum because why me? Why Carson? He is my perfect angel baby! He's the sweetest little boy... so kind and so loving. So why does he have to grow up struggling with things that come so easily to others? It's not fair.
I felt indifferent before, and now I feel all the emotions. I'm a mess. And I'm sorting it all out, and maybe I'm oversharing but I'm writing this because it helps.